Thursday, July 15, 2010

15 Words: Revisited

New Year's Resolutions are the most stupid (stupidest?) thing since, well...since whatever stupid thing you can think of.

Back in 2009, I started this blog with no real direction where it was going. "15 Words" came out of my conviction to make better choices about the way I live my life. This blog was supposed to be the chronicling of my journey through that commitment.

After writing about 2 posts, I abandoned this blog for a long time. I came back to it when I returned to my calling to preach the Gospel, using this blog as a platform to chronicle those conversations and the things I learn along the way. it is my hope that Christians are challenged and encouraged, and nonbelievers are stirred (or at least bothered) by what they read here.

It's also a great form of accountability for me. If you haven't seen me post in a while and you know me, feel free to come to me and ask why. Because I assure you that there's a reason, and it's not a good one.

With that said, I thought about changing the name of this blog, since its focus has changed. Or starting a new one.

But what happened to that first post? Well, now it's time for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Why do I share with you the bad and the ugly? Because you need to know that there's nothing super spiritual about a guy who goes up to strangers and shares the Gospel with them. There's no special anointing that I have, that you don't have. We're all called to share the Gospel. Whether we feel like it or not. Whether we're checking off all our spiritual boxes on our to-do list or not.

So, it's time for Jesse's report card for 2009-2010. Geez, a year and a half and I haven't even looked at the commitments I was so bold to proclaim back then, once, since then? This can't be good...

Looking at the list, it'll probably be easier to go from bottom to top. Hide the women and children. This won't be pretty.

5. Sock it away.

$0.00. Next question?

4. Read and Pray

I pray with my family every day. I take walks daily and pray about concerns I have. The bible? Who has time for that? I'm too busy working up the balance you see above. Maybe that's the whole problem.

3. Share the Gospel.

This blog has become a chronicle of my efforts in this area. (I know I still owe you a fishing report. It's coming.).

2. Do It Now.

I've procrastinated much less over the last year and a half...with work stuff. Everything else has been pushed to the backburner. How can I be a go-getter and balance my life at the same time?

1. Be a blessing.

I've listened more to my wife by reading her blog this evening than I have in weeks of conversation. I've pushed her hurts out of my mind, because the work has to be done. And it does. But I quickly lost sight of my commitment to be a blessing to them.

My heart breaks tonight, because my life is completely out of balance. And I'm not sure it's even on the right foundation at all. How can it be, when I'm not in God's Word every day? How can I teach Ethan who God is, when I'm not listening for God to speak in my own life? How come I don't have the wisdom I seek as a parent? Because I'm not actually "seeking" that wisdom at all.

How come my wife often feels alone? Because she is alone. How come I feel like my world is falling apart? Because it is falling apart. It's built on shifting sand, and the storms are beating me down like I haven't felt in a long time. Through the process of writing this blog, I know my answer. Build on a more solid foundation. Jesus and God's Word. Stop giving lip service to God's way to raise my boys and be the husband my wife deserves.

The point of this post is not to throw a pity party. It's to regain my focus. Do I truly believe God can provide the balance I need, even when the bills are due? Sure, I have to work a lot. But my boys need me. My wife needs me. And they need me to be the spiritual leader of this home.

So lest you think that I'm perfect, or holier than you, because I post these conversations and witness encounters, you need to know that nothing could be further from the truth. I'm thankful that God chooses foolish things (like me) to confound the wise. I'm thankful that God uses the foolishness of preaching to spread the Gospel, and that I get to be a part of that. I'm thankful that Jesus is a solid foundation that can carry me through the biggest storms of my life - even the ones I've created for myself.

So see you in 2013 with the next update.